Another Resolution

On the 29th Ben and I went out drinking with my brother and some friends of ours to say goodbye because it was his last day in town. The bar we wanted to go to had a $7 cover charge for a local band that none of us knew and we didn't feel like paying it just to stand and and yell at each other, so we ended up at a pizza and microbrewery which was much quieter and cheaper. They only served their own beer so we had a couple of pitchers. I don't drink a whole lot of beer and that night I had four pints over the course of the evenings and didn't even get tipsy. However, I laid awake that night until 2a.m. unable the sleep for the beer and stressing about working all day at the store the next day. It was then my mind wandered to New Year's Resolutions.

The first that came to mind was "No more drinking!" which is something I always tell myself whenever I can't sleep because of drinking or have a wicked hangover. 

However, alcohol is part of my culture and I know if I tell myself to cut it out entirely I will fail, so I decided to amend that to a two drink limit. However, that makes a pretty lame New Year's resolution compared to last year's so after more sleepless thought I decided on cleansing.

This year I'm going to turn 25 and it's time that I start making a conscious effort to monitor how I spend my time, relationships and what I put into my body.

In 2014 I want to focus on cleansing my lifestyle. Body, mind, spirit.

The first and I think the easiest one to start with is my body. Being aware of what goes in it and cutting back on the processed things and the junk food and alcohol. I know December would have gone smoother over all if I had respected my body more by not eating out so much or loading up on sugar (aka all of the fudge). I also want to focus on my skin routine. I've been lucky in my life and have had good skin that requires little care, but I know that if I don't take steps now I won't age well and I'd rather be smart about it than look 50 when I'm 40.

After getting the body part under control I'm not quite sure how I'll go about cleansing my mind and spirit, but I'll be sure to post about it when I figure it out.

A Reflection

Ben and I being dorks next to Mom's Christmas tree, yesterday.

I just re read my first blog post of 2013 and am feeling pretty pleased. The past couple of days I've spent, like almost everyone else, thinking about this past year and weather or not I kept my resolution to be happy.

I'm rather surprised and happy to say that I have. The first part of last year was hard, probably the hardest year I've had yet. I was laid-off, then unemployed and miserable. Then when I did get a job at a clothing store circumstances there were not exactly ideal and it was a whole new stressful unhappy that I had to deal with. But after awhile and some few major changes I adjusted to my circumstances. Then Ben got a new job which finally suited him perfectly and for what felt like the first time since we had been married we were both happy.

This is not the path I would have chosen to take, nor is it the path I want to take, but it's the path I'm on and I am happy with that for now.

Yesterday was perfect. It was first of three days off in a row (YES!) and it was Ben's day off too which never happens. We slept in, ate a late breakfast and took off to see the Hobbit which was extremely well done. We then made our was back home for a mid afternoon nap (something else that never happens) and spent the evening at my parents catching up.

The fact that yesterday was good was important too me. I haven't had a good January first since I stopped living at my parent's house. Normally, I would have worked or been hung over. 2011 I remember waking up freezing and feeling miserable because I couldn't keep my heater on at night. 

This is the first time that I believe this year will be a considerably better one. I don't know what I'm doing with massage. I don't know what I'm doing with writing. I don't know what I'm doing with this blog, but I do plan on doing all three things regardless of circumstances which is the only way to succeed or fail at anything which is better than just standing still and waiting for life to happen to me.

Happy New Year!

Some reflection.

The cold rolled in with a storm; loud like a library cart across tile. Today the house is frosted on the inside. Everything is cold, hard and creaking. I found my bag-lady uniform of last years's unemployed winter- sweatpants, sports bra, tank top topped off with the thickest sweater ever. 

Today is still, even the cats are moving in slow-motion. The sun is a bright distant coin. The wind is lazy and the birds are cheerful and serene. I wanted to do things with my day that I haven't gotten to but when I opened my eyes at 10:17 this morning I thanked God. I've wandered through the house without a purpose thanking God for most of the day. Thank God for this day of stillness.

The past 3 weeks haven't stopped and my brain has been buzzing in time with it all. I have managed to force sleep on myself at night with the exception of Sunday and Monday. There I laid both nights, my thoughts hopping around sorting through my too-bright memories at all hours of the night. I didn't get upset as I usually would have, but accepted that I would have to manage the next day sleep-deprived. 

At work there has been a change in management which really was a good thing overall. Nonetheless, it was stressful and this past week we've been getting ready for a big deal visit from the regional manager.  Before being part of management meant showing up and that was it. I was good at that and since I have a work ethic I also did my job which was unexpected so I was fantastic at my job, but with this new manager doing my job is expected and I've been finding out that I wasn't trained even remotely right, so I've had to adjust to a lot. Which isn't too hard, but to go from being awesome at my job to not actually knowing how to do my job was jarring and disorienting to say the least.

So today I am treasuring. I don't have to be anywhere, see anyone, clean anything or wear a real bra. I realize that my idea of down time has changed. I used to focus on distractions but now I'm using it more constructively. Sure, I'm not waking up early to totally clean out/ rearrange the bedroom but I'm making plans. Not just things I wish I could do, but things I can do with this house, with massage therapy, with myself.

In the past three weeks I've had to live entirely in the moment, going straight from one thing to the next not being able to reflect or to plan just doing. Today all the activity has subsided and I can look back and look forward and be happy. Today is the first time I've peered through all the busy to look at myself. I am happy, my life isn't perfect, but I can make plans.

Today is a good day.

Ideals and disappointment

I always make fun of those idealistic people who have insane expectations about big events in life. Like, "I'm going to do this full-time internship, take 19 hours of classes, bring up my GPA and train for a tri-athalon!" then they get disappointed when it's mid semester and they're struggling to get enough energy to walk to class and make it to work on time.

Oh you silly people, you set such unrealistic expectations for yourself of course you're disappointed.

I'll never be like that.

Never say never, it always makes a point to whisper in you ear and let you know that you're doing what you said you'd never do.

When I first started part time at the clothing store I now I work at I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let it consume my life like Starbucks did. That I would keep up with yoga, eating healthy and meditation so the stress wouldn't get to me.

You know what that list is- ideals. Ideally, that's how I wanted this to go. Every day after I got home from work I'd tell myself how I would do my yoga and how much better I would feel...then I would sit on the couch and think about how bad my feet hurt. Then we lost 3 people at work and I got promoted within 3 weeks of being hired. Not only did I not do yoga or meditation I neither did the laundry or dishes and finally I exhausted myself physically and emotionally with disappointment. After a random crying fit over the cleaning of the cutting board last night I finally realized that I was one of those silly idealistic people who had been sorely disappointed.

So, I went to bed and got a solid 10 hours of sleep and woke up this morning with no expectations of myself. It made for a restful morning and when I went to work I seemed to have a greater peace of mind at all the changes that had rapidly happened.

I got off work and don't feel like death and even though I still haven't done my yoga I'm not viewing it as the end of the world.

It's interesting how we people think life should go. I know for me I hear of those people who have done and excelled at so many things in their lives and are constantly busy but also have brilliant social lives and beautiful homes and I become so jealous! I want to be them; perfect and endlessly interesting. But that's truly not my personality. I'm a slow adjuster but I'll get there and there will be a balance and I will have activities outside of work again but not this week and probably not this month and I'm okay with that now it, like most things, just took some realization.

Passion, a thing I know nothing about.

This post has little to do with books or reading. It is a post about me, and since I love books and reading they will probably make an appearance or two.
This is a post about passion, or rather lack thereof.

I've been going through some things lately, things like depression, feelings of utter failure and lack of energy.
Today is the first day I feel a little closer to the me that I like so I decided to do some reflecting and thinking about my life.
I've been fighting feelings of failure lately. Right now, my life seemingly has little direction. I need to find a better job. That's my life right now, trying to get hired again at Starbucks. Swallowing my pride. There's nothing wrong with working at Starbucks. I like being a barista, but when I was 19 thinking about what my 24th year would look like it was drastically different than the reality. It looked like this-

I had a little office in Colorado where I practiced massage, just me and maybe a part-time receptionist if I ended up selling any product. I was able to support myself with my practice and I was going to school in the evenings to finish my bachelor's degree in English. I occasionally wrote wellness articles for a little local newspaper. I lived alone in an apartment with a dog, probably a Shepard mix, that would go almost everywhere with me. I was busy, I was happy...

I get teary eyed and wistful when I read that. I am happy where I am now, I do like how things how turned out, but there's one thing I'm missing that the girl in my dream had- passion.

In high school and in college I journaled daily and wrote your typical angst poetry and published it to MySpace. I had people tell me how well I wrote and how they loved reading it. However, I've had a public blog since 2010 and I've yet to have anyone outside my family comment on it. I've racked my brain as to how I could become a popular blogger. I've tried all the tricks that the other successful bloggers have used and yet I get nothing. I purposely narrowed to scope of this blog to try and fill a niche or something like that.

This morning while doing the dishes (household chores are the best time to reflect on your life I've found) I've figured out why I feel like a failure, why things aren't working out for me.                                                      I once offended some random poet on MySpace because I wrote about PETA and how I don't believe most of the things they post. I changed the blog according to his opinion which I don't remember now what it even was.                                                The point is I didn't want anyone to feel offended, and that has carried over into my blogging. I tried to keep this superficial and have taken to using a gross amount of !!!! because that what I've seen other bloggers do. I've been doing all this for the wrong reason. What made me a good writer was my passion for expressing myself using words, sometimes strong words that made an impact. I've been trying to do the opposite of that for the past three years trying to make everyone of my imaginary audience happy and trying not step on any toes. Even with my review of Supergods! I really really don't like Grant Morrison, but I felt like I had to give him a fair shake in my review. He did drugs and cast spells to write some of the series he did that's not art that's a farce and I don't respect anyone who tries to prove that wrong. (And he killed Jean Grey in New X-Men, unforgivable).

Anyway-

The point of all this self-reflection is that I want to put passion back in my writing, my massage, my life. This blog is my starting point of all that because I quite honestly don't really know how to do that in the other aspects of my life. My writing, however, I know. 

This blog is about books and reading and me. Since I don't just read books everyday other things will undoubtedly pop up on here. But, I do read quite a lot so it'll still mainly be about books and reading. I won't try and cater to an imaginary audience anymore, I'll probably still use too many !!! because it's grown on me and I might end up offending someone,most likely a Grant Morrison fan, because that's how these things go. 

Once upon a time I loved to write, I loved massage, I loved books, I loved life and I really wanted to live in Colorado and own a dog. I'm finding my way back towards that path because that was the right direction to go in.

Dear Diary

I think I've always had a blogger identity issues.

I read all these cute blogs and I want to be like them.

It would be nice to have some followers.

I know to make a good blog I need good content, good pictures, and good writing.

I know I've been lacking on almost all of these fronts.

Sigh, but I miss blogging.

I've gone through a life slump.

My massage career has come to a road block, and I've been working on climbing over it, 

but it's going to take some time.

In the meantime, I've gone back to making lattes-

in a Target.

I didn't think it would bother me as much as it does, but I'm stuck in a uniform (with a hat. I hate hats)

working for people who are new to the coffee game (it's only be open for six months)

and all of the people I went to high school with are home for the holidays and shopping at Target. 

I know it's not true but all these factors make me feel like I've failed.

I'm angry about where my life's at and at the same time I don't want to face the reality of it.

I come home and crash on the couch, turn on the tv and turn off everything else.

I'm quick to temper, sad, and scared.

Then I realize that I'm just letting life slip by me. 

The only thing I do outside of work is watch tv and stress about what to do with four three-month-old kittens (that no one wants-are you kidding me?)

I need this blog. I need something to do that will keep my brain working.

Keep me wanting to read, write, move, anything besides just existing.

So, I'm going to keep trying with this blog even if no one follows me, or no one even reads it

because I need this to get me to the next step.