Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Some reflection.

The cold rolled in with a storm; loud like a library cart across tile. Today the house is frosted on the inside. Everything is cold, hard and creaking. I found my bag-lady uniform of last years's unemployed winter- sweatpants, sports bra, tank top topped off with the thickest sweater ever. 

Today is still, even the cats are moving in slow-motion. The sun is a bright distant coin. The wind is lazy and the birds are cheerful and serene. I wanted to do things with my day that I haven't gotten to but when I opened my eyes at 10:17 this morning I thanked God. I've wandered through the house without a purpose thanking God for most of the day. Thank God for this day of stillness.

The past 3 weeks haven't stopped and my brain has been buzzing in time with it all. I have managed to force sleep on myself at night with the exception of Sunday and Monday. There I laid both nights, my thoughts hopping around sorting through my too-bright memories at all hours of the night. I didn't get upset as I usually would have, but accepted that I would have to manage the next day sleep-deprived. 

At work there has been a change in management which really was a good thing overall. Nonetheless, it was stressful and this past week we've been getting ready for a big deal visit from the regional manager.  Before being part of management meant showing up and that was it. I was good at that and since I have a work ethic I also did my job which was unexpected so I was fantastic at my job, but with this new manager doing my job is expected and I've been finding out that I wasn't trained even remotely right, so I've had to adjust to a lot. Which isn't too hard, but to go from being awesome at my job to not actually knowing how to do my job was jarring and disorienting to say the least.

So today I am treasuring. I don't have to be anywhere, see anyone, clean anything or wear a real bra. I realize that my idea of down time has changed. I used to focus on distractions but now I'm using it more constructively. Sure, I'm not waking up early to totally clean out/ rearrange the bedroom but I'm making plans. Not just things I wish I could do, but things I can do with this house, with massage therapy, with myself.
In the past three weeks I've had to live entirely in the moment, going straight from one thing to the next not being able to reflect or to plan just doing. Today all the activity has subsided and I can look back and look forward and be happy. Today is the first time I've peered through all the busy to look at myself. I am happy, my life isn't perfect, but I can make plans.
Today is a good day.

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